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Stacheldraht_LS
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Stacheldraht_LS Gender: Male Message: message me Member Since: 1/3/2007 True

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Friday, November 06, 2009

	Emma will be here again this weekend. Very excited.
	8:06 AM - 2 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

If I could, I'd trade it all for an automator

I'm feeling a lot better.

So, looking at yesterday, here's what caused me to get so fucked up:

1 pink vitamin water (25% vitamin A)
1 orange vitamin water (15% vitamin A (I think, maybe 25%))
1 yogurt drink (15% vitamin A)
1 40mg Clarivis pill (morning) (~200,000-250,000 IU)
1 40mg Clarivis pill (night) (~200,000-250,000 IU)

Basically, I had WAY over the recommended daily value of vitamin A in my system.

I'm keeping the yogurt drinks, but I'm cutting out those two vitamin waters to help keep me from getting like that later in the future. Apparently, my favorite Campbell's soup has over 50% vitamin A as well, so I have to cut that out too.

Decided not to do the recital. I don't have enough time to prepare, and it's stressing me out beyond what I can handle.

Got a lot of work today. Just wanted to report that everything's okay on this end.

10:04 PM - 2 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

I'm not doing 80mg of Accutane. I tried doubling the dose today, and I've been regretting it all day.

I can feel the pressure in my skull. It's like somebody attached the back left side of my skull to a cable and started pulling it inward. It is very hard for me to focus on anything. I've been stammering a lot. My typing is slower.

This is definitely not a normal headache. It's not even really a headache so much as a tremendous compression. I am going to go to bed in a few minutes.

8:57 PM - 2 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Monday, November 02, 2009

Untitled

Note: This general note is written outside of any temporal, emotional, or amorous context not otherwise explicitly mentioned.

----------

I don't think I will ever "love" someone else as much as I had "loved" Julie.

This isn't because she was "perfect" or because she was "better" than everyone else.

When I met her, I was in a vulnerable state, and she comforted me time after time without asking for anything in return. There were many difficult moments in my life in which she was literally the only person who supported me.

I ended up with intense, maddening, grave feelings for her.

I hadn't been put in that sort of position before, and I didn't know how to handle it. I was utterly alone, even from my family, and through that loneliness I became dependent on someone who was as lonely and emotionally immature as I was.

We were everything for each other. She looked up to me, and I tried to set a good example for her and lead her along in a good path. We both had emotional "gaps" that we allowed the other to "fill" as best as possible, despite the fact that we were both drastically ill equipped to handle such responsibility.

I didn't know how to contend with these newfound emotions, nor did I know how to handle her reciprocation. Our "roles" grew convoluted and bled into one another. How could I still be a "brother" to someone who wished to reciprocate physical affection? Neither one of us knew what we were doing or how to express how we felt.

Everything got out of hand; she recoiled, and I struggled for a year to cope with it. Things grew progressively worse: we grew further apart, and now we both currently and will probably always harbor nothing but resent for each other.

I don't intend to let this happen again with anyone else.

Not only do I believe that I won't be put in a similar place emotionally (or, at least, I'll be able to handle it better), I also will not allow myself to become dependent on another person the way that I had been with Julie. I am more secure with myself now than I had been then, and I no longer require another person's validation in order to justify my value as a human being.

This doesn't mean that I'm going to close up or reject people or otherwise hinder my feelings for them. I still love; nothing's changed about that. But, it is no longer a wild, unfocused emotion. I can still love wholeheartedly. I just refuse to let it destroy me.

Does this mean that I love conditionally? I would say yes. I do not want to allow myself to be in love with someone who will not reciprocate or who does not treat me well. I do not want love to become a weapon that may be used against me, nor do I want it to be a shackle that keeps me from untapping whatever potential is in me.

I want to love honestly, and I want to be in love completely; what I do not want is to need.
I want to have someone to call my own; I do not want to take possession.

I don't see this as unreasonable or in any way not genuine. Too long have I allowed my ideals of love to bury me. I've hurt other people and been hurt by other people, and I don't want to hurt or hurt others without necessity.

I know that it probably sounds naive or pretentious for me to assert things like this, but by asserting them in this manner, I feel as though I will be able to make these ideas into a genuine reality. One thing that Lakewood does "preach" that I agree with is that, to the extent of which you have control, you can manifest your desires through positive/constructive thinking. By following these thoughts, I believe that I will become more emotionally secure and more emotionally stable.

10:25 PM - 2 views - email it

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Nystagmus

Be near me when my light is low,
When the blood creeps and the nerves prick
And tingle; and the heart is sick,
And all the wheels of Being slow.

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It's been an interesting week.

I've been INCREDIBLY busy this week. A lot of homework, tests, etc. Been pretty stressed. I'm not doing that well in calculus, it seems. I need to step that up. But, every other class is pretty much okay. My review on Blueprint 3 ended up getting the shit trimmed out of it. I haven't read it, but looking at it, it looks like Camille chopped off my review's cock and balls and made it another "typical shitty review". I kinda don't blame her, but come on. Be creative.

I saw Paranormal Activity the other weekend. It was a really good movie. I've never actually been creeped out by a movie until I saw that one. It was just the subtle things, the tension that built up and was never released, the way you couldn't help but laugh at the beginning only to be scared as shit by the end. I also saw Antichrist, which was a really good movie too. In a sense, it's sort of a counter to transcendentalism, how nature is relatively evil in the eyes of Man due to its heartless sense of entropy. (That sounded a lot less pretentious in my head.) I also got to see John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13. It's such a cheesy movie in every regard, but it was so good. You can't help but like it.

Emma came down this weekend after all. She'd been having some family issues, so the trip down was to help sort that out as well as to see me.

I thought she was staying home until she told me Thursday night that she was coming. Picked her up at the station, then drove back to my house before going to dinner. We went to Kubo's, which is the best sushi place in town IMO. She was super tired, but she did a good job of not showing it. After that, we chilled in the park before I went and dropped her off at home. I wanted to stick around with her family, but I didn't want to distract her from seeing them, especially since it had been a while since they'd seen each other, and Emma had things to sort out with them.

Saturday, we went and chilled at her house for a few hours. Emma's youngest sister, Keren, caught the flu. She was super sick, so her mom took Keren to the doctor and kept her away the whole day. But, her sister Melody was around, so we were all just hanging around in the house. Emma's dog Joy went kinda nuts. She's half pit bull and a puppy (a BIG puppy mind you) so she's kind of energetic. Joy went and busted a plank in the fence, practically gnawing it away. It was unreal. Emma was surprised, even.

After her parents came back, Emma and I went to a thing at my church where my dad and siblings were. It was a little halloween party thing in the gym. Nothing huge, but still fun for the kids. We went trick or treating afterwards, then to Randalls to get her some food. We ended up going to her house and hanging out there until around 12:30 before I went home.

Sunday, we took another trip to the Godatorium. We were an hour late, but we got there in time to see the cult of personality leader himself, Joel Osteen, give a sermon. I never realized how much that church irked me until the sermon. It's the money, the intense feel-good vibe, the way it tries to absolve people of responsibility for their actions and mistakes. Maybe it's the Catholic in me that is bothered by it, but I don't think that God should feel obligated to help you one bit just because you ask him nicely. That part never made sense to me.

Anyway, went to the Godatorium, then I dropped her back off at the Greyhound station.

I love that girl so much. It's been a short time, but she and I have become incredibly close, and I've also become close to her family. I feel like, this time, things are really going to be good. I trust her, and I've learned from my mistakes in the past. She's good to me, too. She's not crazy (you can't imagine how much I've wanted to say that about someone else), and even though she feels her emotions strongly, she knows how to handle them in a mature way. We work well together. I'm happy with her.

10:06 PM - 4 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

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